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TIPS
ON READING SCREENPLAYS:
For those unfamiliar with reading
screenplays the
following terms may be helpful.
EXT refers to an exterior
(outside) camera shot. INT means
an interior (inside)
shot. The lines that begin with
EXT or INT (known as SLUG
LINES) are similar to scene breaks
in a play. A "beat"
in
brackets indicates a brief pause.
OS signifies dialogue
that is spoken off-screen. POV
refers to the point of view
the scene is being viewed from.
FADE
IN:
INT.
HOSPITAL ROOM -- DAY
BOB
HULE, a tax accountant for the
firm, Bigg & Butt
Accounting, is lying on a bed
at Loaferville Hospital. Bob
is incredibly handsome, dark-haired,
and in his late-
twenties. His former fiance, LUCY
BIGG, and her friend,
JAMES THWARP, are standing beside
him. Lucy is a beautiful
buxom blonde in her early twenties.
James is short, wears
geeky horn-rimmed glasses, and
is in his early twenties.
LUCY
Bob, are you OK?
BOB
(gasping)
I think -- I -- having -- har --
heart attack.
Bob jerks and shakes in his bed.
LUCY
(touches his arm)
Bob, it’s going to be OK. Bob!
Wake up!
Bob
stops moving. Lucy pulls her hair.
LUCY
Are you breathing? Bob?
(looks up to the ceiling)
Oh, God, no!
JAMES
I'll take his pulse!
James
presses two fingers against Bob's
neck.
LUCY
(frantically)
Oh, dear God! Please don’t let
him die.
JAMES
(grimly)
He’s dead, Lucy.
LUCY
No! Are you sure?
JAMES
(points)
Look at the monitor. He has no
heartbeat.
Lucy
faints and falls forward. James
catches her in his
arms.
INT.
TUNNEL OF LIGHT -- DAY
Bob’s
soul rises from the hospital bed.
He floats upward
through a tunnel of blinding white
light.
BOB
I feel -- wonderful! My whole
being...
As
Bob approaches the end of the
tunnel of light, SIX
WITHERED HANDS rise from the darkness,
and take hold of
his legs and feet. Bob is pulled
downward at incredible
speed. He descends through the
atmosphere, the hospital,
and the crust of the Earth. His
arms are flailing in all
directions.
BOB
Oh, no... Wrong way! Stop! Wrong
way!
INT.
UNDERGROUND CHAMBER IN HELL --
DAY
Bob
crashes on a stone floor. He slowly
stands to his feet
between two barrels of oil. Sitting
in one of the barrels
is MR. FILTHY, a leather-faced
man in his late fifties. He
has salt and pepper hair.
BOB
Where am I?
MR. FILTHY
You're in Hades, boy.
BOB
Hell? No! I can't be. I was in a
tunnel of joy.
MR. FILTHY
Yeah, all of us experienced that
for a minute or two, but then we
changed direction, and got
sucked down here.
BOB
Who are you?
MR. FILTHY
(shakes Bob’s hand)
They call me Mr. Filthy. But you
can call me Rich. I was a bank
robber. A no-good criminal.
BOB
(thinking)
So -- you were filthy rich?
MR. FILTHY
No, I’m -- Rich. My last name
is--
BOB
(sighs)
I wanted to be rich myself.
MR. FILTHY
Trust me, son. You wouldn’t
wanna be what I was.
BOB
A rich man? Oh, yeah.
Absolutely. But not filthy like
you are. That bubbling oil must
feel horrible.
MR. FILTHY
(sadly)
Yes, I'm in -- torment.
BOB
Is there anything I can do to
help?
MR. FILTHY
Yes, I need a drink, Bob.
BOB
Yeah, me too... How do you know
my name is Bob?
MR. FILTHY
They talk about you a whole lot
down here.
BOB
You’ve been watching me? All my
exploits with women?
MR. FILTHY
No, the dead can't see what's
happening up on the surface.
BOB
Bummer. You would‘ve been
amazed... But look -- I'm not
dead. I must be dreaming.
MR. FILTHY
No, you're dead. Just like me.
BOB
I'll just pinch myself and wake
up.
(pinches his butt)
Ow!
(pinches his butt again)
No, it can't be! I’m really
dead?
MR. FILTHY
That you are, son. Can you share
a bit of your water? My tongue
is dry, so terribly terribly
dry.
BOB
I don’t have any water. Sorry.
MR. FILTHY
(points)
There's a bottle there in your
pocket.
BOB
(looks down at the bottle)
Huh? How'd this get here?
MR. FILTHY
Just one mouthful. Please.
BOB
(opens the bottle)
Sorry, man. I hate seeing you
suffer. I really do, but I might
need a drink later... I'd better
hang onto this.
Mr.
Filthy looks longingly at Bob
as he takes a drink from
the bottle.
BOB
Why don't you get out of your
barrel and look for water?
MR. FILTHY
I can't. My feet -- they're
stuck to the bottom.
(tries to move)
I'm glued solid.
Bob
slips the bottle in his pocket
and offers his hand to
Mr. Filthy.
BOB
I'll help you get out. Take my
hand.
MR. FILTHY
No, it's impossible. Soon you'll
be imprisoned in a barrel, too.
BOB
(shakes his head)
Oh, no. I am not sitting in any
barrel of oil. No way.
MR. FILTHY
He's gonna come for you any
moment now.
BOB
Who's gonna come?
MR. FILTHY
(gravely)
Deadly.
BOB
Deadly? Is that his name or an
adjective?
MR. FILTHY
Both. He’s one of the chief
demons in Hades.
BOB
Demons! What are demons doing
down here?
MR. FILTHY
The demons keep us imprisoned in
these barrels of perpetual
torment.
BOB
P-P... Perpetual? You mean like
forever?
MR. FILTHY
No, we only boil in oil until we
appear at the Great White Throne
Judgment.
BOB
(scoffs)
White throne? Sounds like a
toilet.
The
stone door of the chamber rolls
open. A five-foot-tall
demon struts into the room. He
has a long nose like the
horn of a rhino, bright red eyes,
and wears a long black
cloak with the hood pulled over
his head. This is DEADLY.
DEADLY
Damn it! I knew I should have
moved that barrel to the left.
BOB
Who are you?
DEADLY
(proudly)
My name -- is Deadly.
BOB
Where am I?
DEADLY
(rolls his eyes)
New arrivals... Such dumb dumbs.
(walks over to Bob)
Look around. Where do you think
you are?
BOB
Am I really in Hell?
DEADLY
It ain’t Heaven.
BOB
It isn’t fair.
DEADLY
Who said life was fair?
BOB
Yeah, but this is the after-
life. It should be fair and
just.
DEADLY
If you lived like a big bad wolf
on Earth, your after life will
be -- one age-long hangover,
Bob.
BOB
It looks more like a damned
nightmare.
DEADLY
Indeed it is. And very soon --
it gets worse. Now... Would you
like to get in that barrel
yourself? Or should I just slam-
dunk you in?
BOB
I'm not sitting in any barrel of
oil.
DEADLY
Oh, yes you are.
BOB
(raises his voice)
Oh, no I’m not!
DEADLY
(calmly)
Oh, yes you will.
BOB
(more loudly)
Oh, no I won’t!
DEADLY
Oh, yes you is.
BOB
(shouting)
No, long nose, I’m not getting
in any barrel. That’s the last
time I'm going to tell you!
Deadly
grabs Bob by his hospital gown,
flaps his black
wings, rises into the air, and
thrusts him feet-first into
the barrel.
BOB
(despondent)
On second thought, I guess I’ll
have an oil bath.
DEADLY
Yes, that you will. And don't
insult my nose again!
Bob
reaches below the oil and pulls
out his water bottle.
BOB
So what now?
DEADLY
The heat will gradually
increase. And the pain. And the
agony... Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh,
such a good day in Hell.
BOB
I demand that you get me out of
here.
DEADLY
(stares at Bob)
OK. I usually delegate it, but
as you wish.
Deadly
pushes Bob's barrel to the door.
BOB
That's not what I meant.
(turns to Mr. Filthy)
Hey, I hope you can find some
water.
MR. FILTHY
(sighs)
There's no hope of that now,
son.
DEADLY
Oh, yes. I almost forgot.
Deadly
stops pushing the barrel, snaps
his fingers, and
the bottle in Bob’s hand
vanishes.
BOB
(angrily)
Hey! I needed that!
DEADLY
You didn't share, so now you
lose it. You're not a nice guy,
Bob. But I guess that's why
you're here.
Deadly
is about to push Bob out the door,
but Bob gives
him a shove on the shoulder. Deadly
is knocked off
balance.
BOB
Mr. Rich! You never told me what
happens at that Great White
Throne.
MR. FILTHY
After we are judged and burned
-- He will become all in all. He
isn't willing that any of us be
damned forever.
DEADLY
(walks over to Mr. Filthy)
Shut up, old man!
MR. FILTHY
It's gonna be each one in his
own order -- in his own time.
Those who knew him before death
were chosen. They were the
firstfruits.
DEADLY
(punches Mr. Filthy in the chin)
Silence!
BOB
You're talking in riddles, old
man. I don’t get it.
MR. FILTHY
(rubs his jaw)
In the fullness of time, after
our second death, all of us will
be reconciled.
DEADLY
(turns to Bob)
Mr. Filthy is a liar. He was a
no-good bank-robber -- and a
murderer. Don’t believe a word
he says. The damned fool even
thinks I'll be back in the good
books with The Big G one day.
Deadly
walks back to Bob and cuffs him
across the nape of
his neck.
DEADLY
Time to go, Bobby boy!
BOB
(to Mr. Filthy)
I'm sorry for not sharing my
water with you, old man.
MR. FILTHY
It's OK, son. You was just being
yourself.
Bob
stares sadly as Deadly pushes
him out of the chamber.
SIX DEMONS materialize and drag
Bob's barrel down a long
passage. They push him inside
another chamber and roll the
stone door shut. Deadly and the
six demons vanish.
INT.
UNDERGROUND CHAMBER IN HELL --
DAY
Bob
struggles to get out of his barrel
of oil, but his
feet are stuck to the bottom.
JIM JAHN, an African-
American man in his late thirties
is sitting next to him,
also in a barrel of oil.
BOB
(frantically)
What’s going on? Where am I now?
Who in Hell are you?
JIM
I’m--
BOB
I can't believe this is
happening to me.
JIM
Yeah, the emotional transition
is kinda difficult.
BOB
Who the hell are you?
JIM
My name's Jim. Jim Jahn.
BOB
(sighs)
Sorry. I'm Bob... I think I'm
losing it... What's gonna happen
to us?
JIM
We'll get judged at the Great
White Throne. Then we'll receive
our degrees of punishment
depending on what awful stuff we
did. After that we'll be tossed
into the Lake of Fire.
BOB
The Lake of Fire?
JIM
Yeah, it’s one large body of
molten lava. It's the place of
our second death. I call it The
Big G’s barbeque.
BOB
I've gotta to get out of here!
(looks up)
I didn't deserve to die.
(crazily)
Oh, hee, eeh, gah... Mother!
Jim
slaps Bob across both cheeks.
JIM
Calm down. Be a man.
BOB
(rubbing his cheeks)
Sorry. I was getting wimpy,
wasn’t I?
Jim
nods in agreement. They are both
silent for a moment.
BOB
Hey, so how did your life end?
JIM
I was driving a pizza delivery
truck. Got promoted to driving a
three-ton. I was backing in and --
BOB
(snickers)
Boy, that’s a sucky job. How
long did you do that?
JIM
Since grade eleven when I
dropped outta high school.
BOB
That's beastly. My brother had a
mindless automaton job like
that. Spent ten years working in
a hotel.
JIM
No, I didn't mind it. I got ten
bucks an hour plus free pizzas.
BOB
What happened? How did you
croak?
(laughs)
One of your hip-hop buddies
shoot you?
JIM
No, I was making a delivery to a
Super Bowl party. Backed in on a
really steep incline. I opened
the rear doors of the truck, and
the whole damned load of pizzas
fell on me!
BOB
(cringes)
Ouch. That must have hurt.
JIM
Not really. Not until the
emergency break failed.
BOB
Don’t tell me.
JIM
The truck rolled right over my
leg.
(cringes)
God, I was in pain, flat on my
back under that wheel... Then
all of a sudden, one of the
boxes slipped open. A pizza
slice went right down my throat.
BOB
No, don’t tell me. I hate pain.
JIM
Six pepperoni slices got stuck
down my windpipe. I wish I could
of hurled.
BOB
(turns pale)
I think I’m going to hurl now...
You're grossing me out, man.
JIM
I was writhing all over the
pavement... Foam started comin’
out of my mouth. Then my right
leg got stuck under the other
wheel of the truck... What a
bone-breaking mess. After that --
BOB
Stop! I've heard enough.
Bob
puts his hand over Jim’s
mouth. The sound of screaming
is heard.
BOB
(eyes-wide)
What was that?
JIM
New arrivals. Oil probably
started boiling in their
barrels.
BOB
Man, it’s getting hot in here.
My skin is starting to hurt.
JIM
Yeah, the pain gets worse and
worse. Once your oil bubbles
you'll be wailing like a
banshee.
BOB
Why aren't you in any pain?
JIM
Firehead forgot to re-heat my
barrel... That big demon’s brain
is totally fried.
The
stone door of the chamber rolls
open. A seven-foot-
tall demon enters. He has a flattened
face and a warped
happy smile. This is FIREHEAD.
BOB
Speak of the devil.
(to Firehead)
How’s it going, ugly?
FIREHEAD
My -- name -- Firehead.
BOB
(snickers)
Firehead? How did Satan think of
that? Reading Marvel comics?
What a stupid name!
Firehead
leans forward, and a stream of
fire comes out of
the top of his head, scorching
Bob’s face. He roars in
pain.
BOB
Turn it off! Your name's totally
-- wicked.
Bob’s
face is pitch black with soot.
FIREHEAD
You -- want know -- how -- get
me --name -- Firehead?
BOB
Let me guess... You cause male
baldness?
FIREHEAD
No... Me -- fall -- in Lake --
of Fire. Accident. Damage my --
brain.
BOB
(shakes his head)
No doubt.
(under his breath)
Even Hell has morons.
Firehead
pulls Jim out of his barrel and
throws him on the
floor.
FIREHEAD
Jim -- come -- me with.
BOB
Leave him alone, Firehead! I’m
sure he didn’t do anything that
bad.
Firehead
leans forward and a stream of
fire shoots above
Bob’s head.
BOB
Take him away! Nice to meet ya,
Jim. I loved your stories.
(quietly)
Not.
FIREHEAD
Jim -- loved -- fifty females.
Didn't Jim?
(Jim nods)
Wild kind of man -- is Jim.
BOB
Fifty? Jim, you’re quite the
swinger. I had four girlfriends
at the same time though. I bet
you never did that!
JIM
I've done some terrible things,
Bob.
BOB
Don't be ashamed. Be proud, man.
Fifty women is a real milestone,
especially if they were all
babes. I think I’ve only had
about twenty-five.
FIREHEAD
Jim's -- women -- hookers.
BOB
(aghast)
What? You paid money for sex?
(beat)
Hey, are you some kind of rapist
perv?
FIREHEAD
Jim -- killed -- beauty -- lady.
JIM
(his head drops down)
Yeah, I did. I know it was evil
now.
BOB
You murdered chicks? K-K...
Killed them?
JIM
(nods)
Just one. I'm plenty sorry for
it now.
BOB
That’s terrible.
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