|
Read
for FREE!
TIPS
ON READING SCREENPLAYS:
For
those unfamiliar with reading screenplays the
following terms may be helpful. EXT refers to an
exterior
(outside) camera shot. INT means an interior (inside)
shot. The lines that begin with EXT or INT (known
as SLUG
LINES) are similar to scene breaks in a play or
chapter
breaks in a novel. A "beat" in brackets
indicates a brief
pause. OS indicates dialogue that is spoken off-screen.
POV refers to the point of view the scene is being
viewed
from.
FADE
IN:
EXT.
OPEN PLAIN IN HELL -- NIGHT
A
seven-foot-tall HAIRBAGGEN BEAST stomps across an
open
plain near a lake of molten lava. FLAMES OF FIRE
spew
upward from the surface. The Hairbaggen is covered
from
head to toe with long black hair and has bright
red eyes.
HUGO SEER, a five-foot-tall man, struggles to keep
up with
him. He is bald, has a black goatee beard, milk-white
skin, and is wearing a black robe like a druid.
He carries
a black robe in his hand. They stop in front of
a silver
flying saucer with two bucket seats and a bubble
transparent dome. The Hairbaggen pulls a switch
under the
saucer and the dome opens. They both take their
seats and
fasten belts around their chests. Hugo's belt is
too long
so he unclips it.
HUGO
Damn! I hope a Copper doesn't
pull us over. Hu-hu-hu-hu!
HAIRBAGGEN
You funny, Hugo.
The
Hairbaggen presses a button on the control panel
and
the dome closes. Our POV remains outside the flying
saucer. Hugo and the Hairbaggen stare straight ahead
and
wait. Nothing happens. Hugo looks at the Hairbaggen
and
yells something in his ear that we cannot hear.
The
Hairbaggen presses another button on the control
panel,
and the saucer makes an eerie humming noise. Our
POV
switches to inside the saucer.
HUGO
We will have fun at the house!
We’ll make it seem haunted.
HAIRBAGGEN
We will capture Earth people?
HUGO
Yes, they will be taken! As many
as possible.
HAIRBAGGEN
We will do experiments?
HUGO
(rubs his hands together)
Hu-hu-hu-hu! Yes, I will have
both my pleasure and revenge
upon mankind!
HAIRBAGGEN
(with excitement)
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
(beat)
Uh, you got permission?
HUGO
Not yet, but soon. The Big D
wants to meet with us. I’m sure
he will let us do it.
The
Hairbaggen presses another button on the control
panel
and the saucer rises from the ground. When the panel
indicates they have reached an elevation of 500
feet, the
engine makes spitting and sputtering noises.
HAIRBAGGEN
Oh, shit.
HUGO
Didn’t you get a tune-up at
Atlantis?
HAIRBAGGEN
No, me forget.
The
saucer shakes and wobbles, but continues to rise.
HUGO
(angrily)
Great, Harry! This is just
frikkin great!
The
engine stops humming. Hugo and the Hairbaggen stare
at
each other.
HUGO
Oh, crap.
HAIRBAGGEN
This gonna hurt!
Hugo
and the Hairbaggen both yell as the flying saucer
free-falls to the ground. They bounce in their seats
from
the impact and bang their heads on the bubble ceiling.
They groan and moan in pain longer than they have
to.
HUGO
Now we’ll have to walk to the
castle. If we’re late --
HAIRBAGGEN
I know. He give us both a
caning.
The
Hairbaggen presses a button on the control panel
and
the dome opens. The two companions climb out of
the saucer
and walk across the open plain. Hugo hands the robe
in his
hand to the Beast.
HUGO
Make sure you wear this.
HAIRBAGGEN
Why?
HUGO
You look naked.
EXT. GATES OF HELL -- NIGHT
Two
demons stand outside the gates of a black castle.
DEADLY is five-feet tall with a long nose like the
horn of
a rhino. FIREHEAD is seven-feet-tall, has a flat
nose, and
a warped happy look on his face. They both have
black
wings that extend above their heads and are wearing
long
black cloaks.
FIREHEAD
What think he want?
DEADLY
I don’t know. Fang said that
both of us are to appear before
him.
FIREHEAD
Me worried. This gonna be bad.
DEADLY
Why is it you always fear seeing
the Big D? We’re already in
Hell. How can it get any worse?
FIREHEAD
Maybe he gonna dip our heads in
Lake of Fire.
DEADLY
The Big D doesn’t dip demons in
the Lake. The Big G will do
that! Don’t worry, demon of
little brain. Everyone is on the
same team down here.
A
demon guarding the gate unlocks it from within.
He has
many large bumps on his head that look like white
pimples.
This is PIMPLER. Deadly makes a thumbs-up, thumbs-down
hand-signal. Pimpler nods his head and lets the
two demons
pass through.
INT.
HALL OF PANDEMONIUM -- NIGHT
Firehead
and Deadly are in a dimly-lit stone chamber. Iron
torches line the walls. The two demons are 20 feet
behind
a platinum throne that is turned backwards so it
faces the
front wall. THE BIG D is seated on the throne. They
can
see the back of his red-horned head and the top
of his
long black wings that are bent slightly to the left.
His
red muscular arms rest on the sides of the throne.
Firehead and Deadly cautiously step forward. The
Big D
raises his left hand and makes a tight fist.
THE BIG D
Stay behind me!
DEADLY
(bowing)
As you wish -- Master.
Firehead
and Deadly quickly step back. Firehead digs white
wax out of his left ear and puts it in a leather
bag
strapped around his chest. Deadly stares at him.
FIREHEAD
We sorry. We screw up many --
Deadly
jumps and cuffs Firehead across the side of the
head.
DEADLY
(quietly)
Clamp it, you idiot.
THE BIG D
I know you both must be curious
as to why I've summoned you.
DEADLY
We're always ready, willing, and
eager to serve, Master.
FIREHEAD
Sorry, Boss. We really botch --
Deadly
jumps and pinches Firehead’s flat nose.
DEADLY
Don’t mind Firehead, Master. He
has a babble disorder. He fell
in the Lake of Fire six months
ago.
THE BIG D
Yes, I heard. Poor devil...
Firehead, you have my
sympathies. We’ll all be having
a dip in that horrific hot tub
one day. I hope The Big G
doesn't make us as dumb as
you’ve become.
FIREHEAD
Aw, you won’t, Master. That be
impossible.
DEADLY
We are at your service. Whatever
you command us we will do.
The
throne slowly turns 180 degrees. The Big D smiles
at
them.
THE BIG D
I have something good for both
of you.
Firehead
digs white wax out of his right ear and looks at
the gob on his finger. Deadly raises one eyebrow
and
stares at him.
DEADLY
(sotto voce)
That’s disgusting.
THE BIG D
This is what I want both of you
to do.
EXT.
HIGHWAY 104 -- DAY
A
Greyhound bus is speeding on Highway 104 through
the
Gwimmick Forest.
INT.
GREYHOUND BUS -- DAY
Only
four passengers are onboard the bus. BOB HULE is
dark-haired, incredibly handsome, and in his late
twenties. DWIGHT GUNE has light-brown hair styled
in a
huge Afro perm. He is pencil-thin and is in his
late
twenties. GRETCHEN TIDY is short, rotund, and in
her early
sixties. LUCY BIGG is a beautiful buxom blonde in
her
early-twenties. Bob and Lucy are seated together.
Gretchen
is seated two seats behind them. Dwight is sitting
across
the aisle from Bob.
DWIGHT
(to Bob)
Doo-dah! Doo-dah! Oh, yeah! I
can’t wait to get home, man. I
got -- uh -- fresh pot in the
freezer.
BOB
(annoyed)
Like I’m interested.
GRETCHEN
(calling out)
Excuse me... Ahem -- young man!
DWIGHT
(doesn’t hear her)
Doo-dah! Doo-dah!
GRETCHEN
Young man! Why would you put a
flower pot in your freezer?
DWIGHT
(turns and faces her)
Oh, it ain’t that kind of pot,
ma'am.
GRETCHEN
I see. Is it made of that new
kind of plastic I saw at Wal-
mart? I’ve heard those pots
never crack.
DWIGHT
Well -- all I can say is that my
supplier gives me better THC
each year.
GRETCHEN
Yes, the wonders of technology
never cease to amaze me. I was
at Wal-Mart and saw a TV on
sale. Believe it or not, it had
a perfectly flat screen! They
also had something called an
iPod.
DWIGHT
(turns and faces the front)
Doo-dah! Doo-dah!
Gretchen
gives Dwight an angry look.
BOB
(to Lucy)
I can’t wait to get back. I have
to get caught up at the office.
LUCY
Why are you always so far behind
in your work?
BOB
I spend all day dreaming about
you, Lucy.
LUCY
(coldly)
Our relationship is over, Bob.
Permanently!
BOB
I can keep hoping, can’t I?
LUCY
Hope is good. But hopes aren't
always fulfilled... I love James
now.
BOB
Is that right? I heard you and
James broke up last week.
LUCY
(gulps)
We did not.
BOB
Did!
LUCY
Did not.
BOB
(in a teasing manner)
Yes, you did. Agatha told me.
LUCY
Well, we didn’t break up. We're
just taking a little break from
each other.
BOB
Lucy, I know deep down you want
me just like I want you.
LUCY
I want you, Bob, like I want the
Avian Flu.
GRETCHEN
(moves up one row)
Excuse me, lovebirds. I couldn't
help but hear bits and pieces of
your conversation... You aren’t
married yet?
LUCY
(turns and faces her)
No. Definitely not!
BOB
(looks back at Gretchen)
Not yet, but I'm working on it,
Gretch.
GRETCHEN
Why were you on such a long trip
together?
LUCY
We... Well, it's kind of
personal actually.
GRETCHEN
I know it’s none of my business,
but may I say something to both
of you about the dangers of pre-
marital sex?
BOB
(with a sneer)
Don't talk about something
you've never experienced, old
bag.
GRETCHEN
(aghast)
My Lord! I've never been so
insulted. Lucy, why do you
associate with this man?
LUCY
I had to go to a funeral. He
offered to come.
BOB
Yeah, somebody died. He -- was --
LUCY
A friend of a friend.
BOB
A man's best friend in fact. I
totally miss the hairy fella.
Lucy, I think you cried his out
his name when you hit the
brakes. What was it again?
Lucy
jabs Bob in the stomach. Bob groans.
LUCY
You're so insensitive, Bob!
James is going to be devastated
when he finds out I ran over
Bowser.
DWIGHT
Hey, you guys wanna ask the
driver anything? I'm gonna go
and have a chat with him. You
got any questions?
Everyone
turns and stares out the window. Dwight shrugs
his shoulders and walks to the front of the bus.
THE BUS
DRIVER is a 250-pound-man in his early fifties.
He is
wearing a hooded rain coat so we cannot see his
face.
BUS DRIVER
(sternly)
Sir, please stay behind the
line.
DWIGHT
Ah, well, sorry, guy. I just
wanted to ask you something. I'm
a good-paying and repetitive
customer.
BUS DRIVER
Just stay behind the line. It's
for your own safety.
DWIGHT
Aw, don’t worry, man. I’ve got
good balance. I'm quick on my
toes if we hit any potholes.
BUS DRIVER
I have a lot of scars on my face
and I don’t like people looking
at me when I’m driving. It
distracts me and it would
certainly distract you.
DWIGHT
Hey, no problem there. I’ll stay
back here behind yer screwed-up
face. Uh, I mean -- where it’s
safe to stand.
BUS DRIVER
(irritated)
What do you want?
DWIGHT
Well, I was wondering... Where
is the bathroom?
BUS DRIVER
At the back of the bus. There’s
a door.
DWIGHT
Right on! Thanks. You’re
helpful.
BUS DRIVER
Don’t mention it.
DWIGHT
I got one more question for ya
though.
BUS DRIVER
(his patience running thin)
What?
DWIGHT
Are there -- any hidden cameras
in there?
BUS DRIVER
Who would put a camera in the
crapper?
DWIGHT
OK. Or are there any radioactive
light bulbs, multi-coloured
toilet paper rolls, or -- uh,
toxic chemical -- smoke
detectors maybe?
BUS DRIVER
What kind of nut are you?
DWIGHT
Oh, sorry, Sir. I’m just a
little bit paranoid that’s all.
I'm a big fan of KGO Radio. So
I'm by nature -- a suspicious
citizen.
BUS DRIVER
Yes, I think I’ll report you
when we arrive at the next
station. Look -- don't worry.
You won’t be under any
surveillance in the bathroom.
DWIGHT
OK. That’s good. I just wanted
to double-check.
Dwight
breathes a sigh of relief and walks to the back
of
the bus. He enters the bathroom. Once inside, he
lights up
a marijuana joint, and starts smoking.
EXT.
OPEN PLAIN IN HELL -- NIGHT
Firehead
and Deadly are 100 yards from the gates of the
black castle.
DEADLY
I’ll meet you in a few minutes
at the exit port.
FIREHEAD
We go to same old house? One
owned by crazy guy?
DEADLY
Yes, Jack Ferry is still at the
Loaferville Asylum. His house
will be a perfect place for us.
FIREHEAD
OK. I go first -- uh, pit of
locusts. Then you meet I at port
exit. There go we.
DEADLY
(shakes his head)
Your grammar and syntax are
degrading by the day, Firehead.
FIREHEAD
Sorry. I smart still. I show you
-- wise I am.
DEADLY
Firehead, you're about as smart
as a snake trying to cross an
eight-lane freeway.
FIREHEAD
Uh, question.
DEADLY
What?
FIREHEAD
Master said we just relax. This
like -- holiday, right? We
burned out. Make too many
mistakes. Big D give no
permission to us -- to torment.
DEADLY
Just trust me, OK? We're going
to have a little fun on our
holiday. It'll renew us both to
torment a few humans.
FIREHEAD
But, uh, that not what -- Big D
said.
DEADLY
He granted my personal request,
didn’t he?
FIREHEAD
Uh, I think... Uh, yes.
DEADLY
Then what are you worrying
about? We’ll haunt the house and
have a blast!
Deadly
winks and vanishes. Firehead sighs and walks to
the
castle gates. Seconds later, Pimpler creeps out
of the
darkness, and dances where the two demons were conversing.
His face is filled with glee.
INT.
BACK OF GREYHOUND BUS -- DAY
Smoke
billows out the cracks of the bathroom door. The
back of the bus is filled with a haze of smoke.
Bob leans
his head out in the aisle, breathing deeply, and
smiling.
LUCY
Why are you breathing like that,
Bob?
BOB
Uh...
GRETCHEN
(looks at the bathroom door)
Oh, my Lord! There’s smoke on
the bus. Something must be
burning! Driver! Driver! You
must stop this bus at once.
The
Driver looks back at Gretchen. Suddenly, an ELK
crosses the highway in front of the bus.
LUCY
(stands up and points)
Driver! Look out! There's an Elk
on the road. It’s a North
American Tule Elk!
The
Driver SLAMS THE BREAKS, but the bus hits the elk.
The
Driver's seat belt isn't fastened and his head SMASHES
through the front window. Lucy falls on her shoulder
in
the aisle. Bob falls out of his seat, mostly by
his own
effort, and lands on top of Lucy. He kisses her
ear. Lucy
rolls over on her back and tries to push Bob off
of her.
Gretchen holds on tightly to the seat in front of
her.
Inside
the bathroom, Dwight is thrown back and forth, his
head BANGING REPEATEDLY against all four walls.
He
accidentally swallows his half-smoked joint. Puffs
of
smoke come out of his mouth. He hurriedly drinks
water
from the tap. The bus rolls to a complete stop.
GRETCHEN
Oh, thank you Jesus! I’m unhurt.
How are the rest of you?
LUCY
(irate)
Get off of me, Bob!
BOB
Oh, come on, Lucy. I told you I
was sorry for cheating on you.
LUCY
It’s over between us, Bob. Stop
rubbing against my boobs!
The
bathroom door opens. Dwight groggily steps out.
He has
a large smile on his face, but his forehead is badly
bruised.
GRETCHEN
(stands and looks to the front)
Oh, dear God. The driver!
(closes her eyes)
That's horrible.
DWIGHT
(points)
Holy farking cow. The driver.
His head!
BOB
(stands and looks)
Jesus -- sister Mary... His head
went --
GRETCHEN
(opens one eye)
Oh, God, I can’t say it...
DWIGHT
Right through the windshield!
Whoah!
Gretchen
slumps back in her seat. Dwight steps over Lucy
and Bob and hurries to the front of the bus. The
Driver is
halfway through the windshield. Dwight pulls the
man back
into his seat. The hood still covers his head.
LUCY
Is he breathing, Dwight? Oh,
please tell me he’s not dead.
DWIGHT
He’s not -- um. Well, his last
request was that I wouldn’t look
at his face. Bad facial scarring
he said.
(his eyes go bug-wide)
Holy, I think the dude must of
known the future!
BOB
I doubt if the poor bugger even
has a face now.
Dwight
lifts the Driver’s hood and looks at his face.
He
turns to Bob.
DWIGHT
Hey, you're an accountant,
aren't you Bob?
BOB
Um, well for a few more weeks I
guess.
DWIGHT
Well, in accounting lingo --
this dude is a total write-off.
LUCY
(gasps)
He’s dead?
DWIGHT
Deader than a door on the floor.
GRETCHEN
Oh, my dear Lord. I must get off
at once. We're all under a curse
if we stay onboard this bus any
longer.
The
four passengers hurry off the bus and wait by the
side
of the road. There are no cars in either direction.
Dwight
sticks out his thumb and whistles.
EXT.
HAUNTED HOUSE -- DAY
A
silver flying saucer lands behind an old dilapidated
three-storey house. Hugo and the Hairbaggen get
out of the
saucer and walk to the back door of the house. Hugo
tries
to open the door, but his key won’t fit the
lock. Hugo
looks at the Hairbaggen. The Hairbaggen stares back
at
him. Hugo kicks the Hairbaggen in the knees and
points at
the door. The Hairbaggen rips the door off its hinges.
They both step inside at the same time and get stuck.
Hugo
grunts and squeezes through first. The Hairbaggen
puts the
door back in place, removes a gun from a leather
bag, and
re-attaches the hinges with white goo. They both
stomp up
the stairs to the second floor.
HAIRBAGGEN
We will set up a table?
HUGO
We will set up a magnificent
table for magnificent
experiments!
HAIRBAGGEN
We do -- supernatural
experiments?
HUGO
Yes! Such devilish fun. Hu-hu-
hu-hu! We'll do wonderful mind-
bending things these humans.
HAIRBAGGEN
And we will we find them humans
where?
HUGO
They are everywhere. The planet
is full of them! I have
permission to do whatever I want
in this house. Go now and bring
them to me.
Hugo
rubs his hands together with glee.
EXT.
HIGHWAY 104 -- DAY
Dwight,
Gretchen, Bob, and Lucy are standing by the bus.
There are no cars in either direction. Firehead
is
standing in their midst, but they are unaware that
he is
there. Dwight has his thumb stuck out. Bob pinches
his
thumb and kicks him hard in the butt. Dwight yelps
in pain
and puts his hand inside his jean pocket. Gretchen
steps
into the ditch and picks a flower. She sniffs it
several
times and smiles with an enormous grin.
DWIGHT
I wonder why none of those cars
would stop for us.
Bob
kneels down and ties his shoe.
LUCY
They all looked scared when they
drove by.
Firehead
laughs through his nose with a loud snort.
LUCY
Why are you laughing, Bob?
BOB
Huh? It wasn’t me.
DWIGHT
Gosh darn it. What are we gonna
do?
BOB
We're going to keep waiting
until someone stops, and get a
frikkin tow truck. What else are
we going to do?
DWIGHT
OK. Makes sense. Just thought
I’d ask. Cause --
BOB
Cause what? You know, Dwight, if
you hadn’t been smoking Mary
Jane, none of this would have
happened.
DWIGHT
Jeepers! Are you -- like blaming
me for something?
BOB
Duh, yeah! It’s all your fault,
you goof.
DWIGHT
Uh, what about the dead driver?
Ain't it his fault? His head
went through the windshield, not
mine.
BOB
There's room in that windshield
for one more head, Dwight.
DWIGHT
Huh? You threatening me or
something? I may be a peaceful
pot-smoker, but I can clench my
fists when push comes to shove.
Or shoving comes to pushing.
BOB
The driver wouldn’t have hit
that Elk if you weren’t smoking
pot.
Bob
points at Gretchen who is still smelling flowers
in
the ditch.
BOB
And you, Gretchen! You shouldn’t
have panicked when you saw a
little smoke under the door. You
broke the driver's
concentration.
GRETCHEN
Mr. Hule, I did what any
responsible Christian woman
would do. There was smoke. I
discerned that something was
burning, so I alerted the
driver.
BOB
(mockingly)
You discerned -- something was
burning. Duh! What was the clue?
The smoke?
LUCY
Stop it, Bob! There's no point
blaming each other. What
happened has happened. Let's
just deal with it.
DWIGHT
Whoah... I have an idea!
BOB
What? We all get stoned and sing
campfire songs?
DWIGHT
No, no. My idea... It’s
brilliant. God, I can't believe
I didn't think of this before.
(points in both directions)
Why don’t we start walking that
way -- hmmm -- or that way?
Maybe we’ll find a house, and if
we do, there’s a good chance
they’ll have a phone. And if
they have a phone, we could
phone a local taxi to pick us
up.
LUCY
I think that’s a great idea.
GRETCHEN
(steps out of the ditch)
Yes, I agree. I don’t want to be
near that dead body any longer.
I could really use a cup of tea.
They
all walk in single file along the highway. Dwight
leads the way, 20 feet in front of the others. Firehead
follows closely alongside them. He snorts through
his flat
nose. Everyone looks around to see who was snorting.
CONTINUED....
|
