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TIPS
ON READING SCREENPLAYS:
For those unfamiliar with reading screenplays the
following terms may be helpful. EXT refers to an
exterior
(outside) camera shot. INT means an interior (inside)
shot. The lines that begin with EXT or INT (known
as SLUG
LINES) are similar to scene breaks in a play or
chapter
breaks in a novel. A "beat" in brackets
indicates a brief
pause. OS indicates dialogue that is spoken off-screen.
PUBLISHER’S
NOTE: In order to reduce printing and shipping
costs this screenplay is published in a compressed
format.
FADE
IN:
EXT.
MAIN STREET -- MORNING
A
white van turns a corner and stops in front of a
CIBC
bank. MR. FILTHY, a leather-faced man in his early
fifties
is driving the van. He is fifty pounds overweight,
strong
as an ox, and has salt and pepper hair. JIM JAHN,
a
handsome black man in his late twenties is sitting
next to
him. They both put on black ski masks, get out of
the van
and run inside the bank. Mr. Filthy has a black
handgun.
Jim has a white pistol.
INT.
CIBC BANK -- MORNING
Only
two wickets are open, one on the left near the
entrance, and the other on the far right. A BLONDE
TELLER
in her early twenties is at the wicket nearest the
entrance. The two robbers enter the bank and stop
just
inside the door. Jim waves his pistol menacingly
at a
lineup of THIRTEEN PEOPLE.
JIM
Everybody stay right where you
are. Nobody has to eat lead.
MR. FILTHY
We don't want to shoot anyone.
This is strictly business.
JIM
Yeah, we’re like the Godfather,
except I’m not God --
(points at Mr. Filthy)
and that white honky man ain’t
my father.
MR. FILTHY
You idiot! You just told
everyone I’m white.
JIM
Oops! Sorry.
Mr.
Filthy walks up to the teller and points his gun
at
her forehead.
MR. FILTHY
(hands her a nylon bag)
I want this filled with cash. Do
it quick!
BLONDE TELLER
OK, I'll be right back.
The teller presses a button under the counter and hurries
to the back room.
MR. FILTHY
Move fast, lady! You got two
minutes.
(looks at his watch)
Take too long and my gun will go
off!
JIM
(to the lineup of people)
Yeah, and if any of you try
anything funny, my trigger
finger is gonna get itchy.
The
blonde teller unlocks the safe, fills the bag with
cash and hurries back to her wicket. She hands the
bag to
Mr. Filthy.
MR. FILTHY
Thank you for your friendly
customer service. Oh, and if you
don’t mind, we'll keep the
change!
JIM
Thank ya all for depositing your
hard-earned money at CIBC. Don’t
worry though. I’m sure it’s
insured. Hope you have one Hell
of a day!
Mr.
Filthy and Jim run out the door and get in the van.
Mr. Filthy fumbles with his keys in the ignition,
starts
it, and speeds away.
EXT.
OUTER SPACE -- NIGHT
GRAPHIC:
CENTER OF THE MILKY WAY GALAXY. THREE MONTHS AGO.
A
seven-foot-tall demon is standing on a golden platform
in the darkness of outer space. He has red scaly
skin,
bright red eyes, two red horns, long black wings,
bulging
muscular arms, and is wearing a long black robe.
This is
THE BIG D. He stands in front of an egg-shaped portal
with
a golden rim. He steps through the portal and vanishes.
INT.
HALL OF LIGHT -- DAY
The
Big D materializes in a hall with white shining
walls
and a golden floor. He walks to the front of the
hall
where an old man is seated on a golden throne. The
man has
a luminescent face and white shoulder-length hair.
This is
THE BIG G. The Big D stops in front of the throne
and
looks down at the floor.
THE BIG D
Here I am -- I am.
THE BIG G
Do you know why you are here?
THE BIG D
Yes, I know he’s broken the
rules of our occupation, but it
isn’t fair to punish me for it.
THE BIG G
You are his master. He is your
slave. You are responsible for
all that he does.
THE BIG D
I know, but no matter what I do,
he keeps disobeying me.
THE BIG G
You don’t have the ability to
control him?
THE BIG D
No, I will. Somehow.
THE BIG G
Are you ready to receive his
punishment?
THE BIG D
You don't have to do that! I'm
doing everything I can to keep
him in line.
THE BIG G
In the past 10,000 years when
have I ever changed my mind?
The
Big G points his pinky finger at The Big D. A beam
of
light shines forth, burning six holes in The Big
D’s wings
the size of ping-pong balls. The demon falls to
his knees
in pain, but doesn’t cry out.
THE BIG G
Have you considered banishing
him from your kingdom?
THE BIG D
Kick him out?
THE BIG G
Expel him, and you will no
longer be responsible for his
actions.
THE BIG D
I didn't know I could do that.
THE BIG G
Set the demon free. I give you
liberty.
THE BIG D
Great! Good riddance! He's
become more trouble than he's
worth.
SEVEN
ANGELS materialize in the hall and surround The
Big
D. The angels are seven-feet-tall, have white luminescent
faces, white wings that extend above their heads,
long
blonde hair, blue eyes, and blue loin cloths wrapped
around their waists. Two of the angels pick up The
Big D
under his armpits and carry him out of the hall.
The Big D
stares at The Big G as he is taken away.
INT.
HALL OF PANDEMONIUM -- NIGHT
A
five-foot-tall demon is standing in a dimly-lit
chamber.
Iron torches line the brass walls. The demon has
red scaly
skin, bright red eyes, two small horns above each
ear, and
a six-inch-long nose like the horn of a rhino. His
name is
DEADLY. SIX DEMONS materialize and surround him
in a half-
circle arc. The demons are six-feet-tall, have grotesque
faces, wear long black robes, and like Deadly, have
black
wings that extend above their heads. They force
Deadly
down on his knees.
The
Big D is seated at the front of the hall on a platinum
throne that is turned backwards so it faces the
front
wall. The throne slowly turns 180 degrees. Deadly
looks
down at his feet. The demons laugh loudly.
DEADLY
I am at your service, Master.
Command me, and I will heed all
you say.
THE BIG D
Don't feign humility with me.
You are a thorn in my ass.
(looks at the six demons)
In all our asses, isn’t he?
The
six demons nod their heads, bend forward, and lift
up
their black robes. None of them have any underwear.
Three-
inch-long thorns are stuck in their red wrinkled
buttocks.
They try to pull the thorns out of their asses,
but the
thorns are firmly stuck. They scoff at Deadly, and
yell
profanities at him in Pig Latin.
DEADLY
I try to obey you in all things,
Master.
(obviously lying)
I really do.
THE BIG D
Rubbish! You continually violate
the terms of our treaty. And now
I am forced to deal with you.
DEADLY
I've done nothing recently that
is against the rules.
THE BIG D
You locked six old ladies in a
bathroom and piped in 500
gallons of raw sewage!
DEADLY
So? The Weekly World News paid
them plenty for the pics.
THE BIG D
You collaborated with a
Hairbaggen, stripped four people
naked, glued them to the side of
a bus, and drove them up and
down the streets of Loaferville.
DEADLY
The goo dissolved the next
morning.
(looks up at The Big D)
And you locked me in the pit of
locusts for it as punishment!
THE BIG D
You locked two hookers in the
same room with a former
President of the United States.
DEADLY
(shrugs his shoulders)
Bill had a stomping good time.
What’s the big deal?
THE BIG D
You constantly do things that we
are not permitted to do. Do you
know what The Big G did to my
wings?
DEADLY
No. What?
The
Big D steps down from his throne and turns his back
to
Deadly. Deadly stares at the six small holes in
his wings.
THE BIG D
The Big G gave me the finger!
DEADLY
The index?
THE BIG D
No, the pinky!
DEADLY
Ouch! That must have hurt.
THE BIG D
I can't fly now for six months
until I heal. And all because of
you!
DEADLY
OK, OK, I admit it. Once in a
blue moon I break a few of The
Big G’s rules. But I promise I
won't do what I did again. Can I
go now?
THE BIG D
No! Not until I deal with you.
Every six months I answer for
your antics and receive your
punishment.
DEADLY
(nervously)
Are you sending me to the pit of
locusts?
THE BIG D
No, I’m kicking you out of here.
Deadly
turns, lifts up his robe, and moons The Big D. His
red wrinkled butt is one ugly sight.
DEADLY
OK, I’m ready. Boot me in the
behind. I deserve it. I’ve been
bad.
THE BIG D
(kicks him hard in the ass)
You are no longer under my
protection. Leave Hell now and
don’t ever come back!
DEADLY
(turns and faces him)
You’re kicking me out of Hell?
THE BIG D
What are you -- dumb and deaf?
You’re no longer one of us. From
now on, you’ll have to answer to
The Big G yourself if you break
the rules of our occupation.
DEADLY
How long am I kicked out for?
THE BIG D
How long?
(he looks at the other six
demons and laughs loudly)
He asks me how long.
(scoffs at Deadly)
Until the end of the age, you
long-nosed fool!
DEADLY
No, please. Give me another
chance. All my of friends are
down here. Forgive me -- just
this once.
THE BIG D
In the last 10,000 years, when
have I ever forgiven anyone?
DEADLY
Boss, I’m a demon -- just like
you. I can’t help being bad.
It’s my -- sinful orientation.
Let’s make a deal, OK? Let me
come back in a year -- or two.
(The Big D shakes his head)
OK, how about five?
THE BIG D
(scratches his chin)
You can come back alright.
DEADLY
Oh, thank you. When? In ten?
THE BIG D
You can come back when you are
sitting on this throne, and my
chief demons are lying flat on
their faces before you.
The
Big D and the six demons laugh loudly. Then five
of
the demons stop laughing and stare the sixth demon
until
he shuts up.
DEADLY
Master, you know I would never
try to overthrow you.
THE BIG D
That’s because you’re a coward.
(looks at one of the
demons)
Take him away, Fang. Blast the
bastard up the exit port.
A
demon with two buck teeth grabs Deadly by the wrists.
His teeth extend below his lower lip, making him
look like
a deranged gopher. His name is FANG.
DEADLY
No! Don’t do this to me.
Fang
grabs Deadly’s six-inch-long nose and walks
him to
the door. Deadly sucker punches Fang in the teeth.
The
other five demons surround Deadly and beat him with
their
fists until he crumples on the floor. Fang recovers
from
Deadly’s punch, grabs him by the nose, and
drags him
across the floor.
DEADLY
(to The Big D)
Boss, we’re a family.
THE BIG D
You're a black sheep in this
family, Deadly. I hope The Big G
gives you everything you
deserve.
INT.
UNDERGROUND CAVERN -- NIGHT
Deadly
is standing in a vast cavern the size of a football
field. He is surrounded by Fang and the same five
demons.
The ceiling of the cavern has an aperture fifty
feet in
diameter. They all look at the bright blue sky above.
Fang
hisses.
FANG
Good riddance, Deadly.
Deadly
looks up. A swarm of black crows are circling in
the sky. A dozen crows fly down the exit port and
hover a
hundred feet above them.
DEADLY
Oh, shit!
Fang
and the five demons step back, and Deadly is pummeled
by a shower of crow droppings. The demons laugh,
and then
stuff him head-first into a black cannon. Fang points
the
cannon straight up the exit port, pulls out a match
from
inside his cloak, and lights it with his breath.
DEADLY (OS)
Wait! I want to speak with Fang.
FANG
(hisses)
If you have something to say,
say it now.
DEADLY (OS)
No, it's personal. Confidential.
A juicy little secret, old
buddy.
Fang
nods to the five demons. Deadly crawls back out
of
the cannon. The five demons fly away.
FANG
(hisses)
What do you want?
DEADLY
I want you to do me a favour.
FANG
Why should I do something for
you?
DEADLY
You have nothing to lose.
FANG
(hisses)
But what will I gain?
DEADLY
When I return I'll bring you
something you really want.
FANG
You won’t be coming back. You're
banished until the end of the
age.
DEADLY
No, I'll be back. I guarantee
it. Do one teeny tiny thing for
me, and I’ll do something nice
for you.
FANG
(hisses)
What do I get?
DEADLY
How about a kiss?
Fang
contorts his face with disgust. He spits in Deadly’s
face.
DEADLY
No?
(wipes his face on his cloak)
I was just joking, Fang! I
wouldn’t kiss you anyway. You’re
not very pretty.
FANG
You can kiss my ass.
DEADLY
Hmmm... Your butt looks better
than your face actually.
FANG
Make your proposal now before I
blast you out of here!
DEADLY
OK, OK. Here’s my proposal.
Since The Big D has banned you
from leaving Hell, when I come
back I’ll bring you a woman.
FANG
Can you bring me a Russian?
DEADLY
Sure! A real sexy Soviet beauty
who you can seduce.
FANG
What do you want in return?
DEADLY
I need you to bring me a sphere
of sulphur.
FANG
Too risky. If I fall in the lake
I’ll end up brain-fried like
Firehead.
DEADLY
Wear metallic gloves for
protection then.
FANG
(hisses)
What do you want the sulphur
for?
DEADLY
I need to motivate a certain
someone who can help me regain
my position down here.
Fang
is silent. He considers Deadly’s offer.
DEADLY
Just picture it, Fang. You and
Russian model, Yulia Nova, for
twenty-four hours straight!
FANG
(hisses)
OK, I’ll do it. But leave now
before the others return.
DEADLY
Leave the sphere outside the
fence. I’ll fly back tomorrow to
pick it up.
Deadly
climbs feet-first into the cannon. Fang lights a
match with his breath, ignites the cannon, and blasts
his
brother up the exit port. When Deadly reaches the
clouds,
a swarm of crows attack him and shit on him.
INT.
MR. FILTHY'S HOUSE -- MORNING
Mr.
Filthy sits up in bed and catches his breath. His
hair
is a disheveled mess. He has woken from a dream.
MR. FILTHY
(panting like a dog)
Same damn thing -- every night.
Mr.
Filthy gets out of bed, drags himself to the bathroom,
and brushes his teeth. He looks in the mirror and
can see
a fading image of himself in a barrel of boiling
oil. He
is in torment. Six demons are dancing around the
barrel to
YMCA by The Village People.
INT.
JIM JAHN'S APARTMENT -- BEDROOM -- MORNING
Jim
sits up in bed. His eyes are bloodshot and puffy.
He
shivers and shakes. He has woken from a dream.
JIM
Mohammad -- God Almighty! I
gotta cancel my subscription to
the Horror channel.
Jim
rolls out of bed and stumbles to the bathroom. He
brushes his teeth. He looks in the mirror and sees
a
fading image of himself in a barrel of boiling oil.
He is
in torment. Six demons are dancing around the barrel
to
Staying Alive by the Bee Gees.
EXT.
LOAFERVILLE -- MORNING -- ESTABLISHING
An
aerial view of Loaferville. A city of 100,000 people.
EXT.
DUCK STREET -- MORNING
A
white van stops in front of an run-down apartment
building. Mr. Filthy gets out of the van and walks
to the
back bumper. He looks around furtively, then presses
the
license plate. The British Columbia plate rolls
forward
and an Alberta license plate replaces it. He gets
back in
the van and honks the horn. Jim hurries out the
front door
and gets in. They speed away.
MR. FILTHY
Are you ready to do this?
JIM
I got it all down, Rich. Got it
all down.
MR. FILTHY
You sleep OK? You don't look
good.
JIM
Slept like a little baby.
MR. FILTHY
Lucky you. I had another
nightmare.
JIM
You too, huh? I had one awful
dream last night. Scarier than
watching The Exorcist on my
fifth birthday.
MR. FILTHY
I thought you slept like a baby.
JIM
Yeah, my Momma said when I was a
baby, I screamed myself to sleep
and scared all the alley cats.
MR. FILTHY
What was your dream?
JIM
Oh, you don't wanna know. God
Allah awful, man. It’d make your
hair crawl.
Jim
reaches inside his jacket and pulls out his white
pistol. He checks that it is loaded.
EXT.
MAIN STREET -- MORNING
The
white van turns a corner and stops in front of a
CIBC
bank. Jim and Mr. Filthy put on black ski masks,
get out
of the van, and run inside.
INT.
CIBC BANK -- MORNING
Only
two wickets are open, one on the left near the
entrance, and the other on the far right. A BLONDE
TELLER
in her early twenties is at the wicket nearest the
entrance. The two robbers enter the bank and stop
just
inside the door. Jim waves his pistol menacingly
at a
lineup of THIRTEEN PEOPLE.
JIM
Everybody stay right where you
are. Nobody has to eat lead.
MR. FILTHY
We don't want to shoot anyone.
This is strictly business.
JIM
Yeah, we’re like the Godfather,
except I’m not God --
(points at Mr. Filthy)
and that white honky man ain’t
my father.
MR. FILTHY
You idiot! You just told
everyone I’m white.
JIM
Oops! Sorry.
Mr.
Filthy walks up to the blonde teller and points
his
gun at her forehead.
MR. FILTHY
(hands her a nylon bag)
I want this filled with cash. Do
it quick!
BLONDE TELLER
OK, I'll be right back.
The
teller presses a button under the counter and hurries
to the back room.
MR. FILTHY
Move fast, lady! You got two
minutes.
(looks at his watch)
Take too long and my gun will go
off!
JIM
(to the lineup of people)
Yeah, and if any of you try
anything funny, my trigger
finger is gonna get itchy.
The
blonde teller unlocks the safe, fills the bag with
cash and hurries back to her wicket. She hands the
bag to
Mr. Filthy.
MR. FILTHY
Thank you for your friendly
customer service. Oh, and if you
don’t mind, we'll keep the
change!
JIM
Thank ya all for depositing your
hard-earned money at CIBC. Don’t
worry though. I’m sure it’s
insured. Hope you have one Hell
of a day!
Mr.
Filthy and Jim run out the door and get in the van.
Mr. Filthy fumbles with his keys in the ignition,
starts
it, and speeds away.
JIM
Whoo-hoo! We did it, man.
MR. FILTHY
You see -- I told you it would
be easy.
The
white van stops at a red light. The robbers hear
the
sound of a POLICE SIREN. Jim looks back and spots
a black
van several blocks behind them. The van has two
red
whirling lights on the dash.
JIM
Damn! World Police on our tail.
MR. FILTHY
(looks in the mirror)
Shit!
Mr.
Filthy runs the red light and increases his speed
to
90 km-per-hour in a 50 km zone.
JIM
What are we gonna do?
MR. FILTHY
Wait till the cops get close and
blow out their tires.
JIM
Yeah, I can do that. I'm a good
shot.
Jim rolls down his window and aims at the pursuing black
van. He fires twice and misses. His hand shakes. He fires
a third time and shoots a crow that is flying above the
van. The dead bird falls on the windshield with its wings
spread apart, reducing the driver’s visibility.
JIM
Whoah, I shot me a crow!
MR. FILTHY
You’re supposed to shoot the
cop!
JIM
Sorry, my hand shook. I ain’t
never shot at a police pig
before.
Mr.
Filthy takes an exit onto the Trans-Canada Highway.
There are three lanes of heavy traffic in each direction.
The black van is several car-lengths behind them
in the
center lane. A second black van blares its siren,
ten car-
lengths behind the robbers in the left lane. The
first van
switches to the right lane and catches up with the
robbers. Jim shoots the driver in the arm. He fires
again
and blows out the back tire of the police van. The
van
skids out of control off the highway, hits a maple
tree
and explodes. The officers stumble out of the van,
consumed in flames.
JIM
(looking back)
Man, they look like Hell.
The
second black van switches to the center lane, catches
up with the robbers, and rams their back bumper.
Mr.
Filthy increases his speed to 150 km per hour. Shots
are
fired from the police van, blowing holes in the
robber’s
back window. Jim slumps down in his seat.
JIM
We're screwed, man. They’re
gonna frikkin kill us!
MR. FILTHY
Don’t wet yourself. They haven’t
got us yet.
Deadly
materializes in the back seat of the robber’s
van.
Jim and Mr. Filthy are both unaware that he is there.
Deadly laughs with his mouth wide-open, but doesn’t
make a
sound. More shots are fired by the police, blowing
holes
in the robber’s windshield.
JIM
We're on a highway to Hell, man.
They're gonna murder us!
MR. FILTHY
Then we’ll have to kill them
before they kill us.
The
police van switches to the right lane and catches
up
with the robbers.
JIM
Maybe we should just pull over.
MR. FILTHY
You knew the risks when we
planned this! Don’t chicken out
on me now.
JIM
I don't wanna die, man. If we
pull over, we'll be outta jail
in a year or two with good
behavior.
MR. FILTHY
Shoot the cop, or I’ll shoot you
myself!
Jim
fires at the police van and shoots the driver in
the
hand. The black van swerves, slams its brakes, and
stops
on the shoulder of the highway. Deadly leans forward
and
taps the robbers on the nape of their necks. He
grins like
a clown.
DEADLY
Hello, bank-robbing bandits!
Jim
and Mr. Filthy slowly turn their heads. Jim stares
bug-eyed at Deadly. The two robbers yell loudly
for almost
a minute, then become calm.
JIM
Who the hell are you?
DEADLY
I think you mean -- who from
Hell am I?
JIM
Holy mother of Mary! You’re one
of those gonzo freaks from my
dreams. Well, except you're a
lot uglier, and your nose wasn't
anywhere near that long.
DEADLY
(smiles)
I always appear smaller when I’m
in a dream.
MR. FILTHY
(to Jim)
You dreamt you were in Hell?
That’s what I’ve been dreaming!
JIM
Yeah, must be a coincidence or
something.
(stares at Deadly’s horns)
What are you doing here, you
horny Devil?
DEADLY
Would you like some assistance?
JIM
How are you gonna help us?
DEADLY
I can make the coppers go away.
The
robbers both look back. A third black van is now
in
pursuit, ten car-lengths behind them in the center
lane.
The siren of a fourth van is heard in the distance.
MR. FILTHY
OK, if you help us, then what?
DEADLY
If I make the coppers go bye-
bye, then you work for me.
You’ll continue robbing banks,
but I'll be in charge.
Jim
and Mr. Filthy stare at each other and then look
at
Deadly.
MR. FILTHY AND JIM
(together)
Deal!
DEADLY
Put the pedal to the metal. I’ll
be back in a quickie.
Deadly
vanishes and materializes in the third van which
is
now in the right lane, three car-lengths behind
the
robbers. Deadly plots himself on the driver’s
lap, and
waves his hands so the officer can’t see the
highway. The
officer struggles to push Deadly off of him, but
the demon
is too strong.
POLICE OFFICER
You aren’t allowed to do this!
Get off of me!
Deadly
puts one hand over the driver’s eyes, and with
his
other hand turns the steering wheel sharply to the
right.
The police van drives off the highway.
DEADLY
(with a French accent)
Bye, bye, cop-air! Tell the
Beast I said bonjour.
Deadly
vanishes seconds before the van falls into a deep
ravine. When the van stops rolling, the police officer
kicks the door open and crawls out.
Deadly
materializes in the fourth van that has caught up
with the robbers in the left lane. He cuddles up
close to
the driver.
DEADLY
Hello, honey! I just thought I’d
drop in.
POLICE OFFICER
What the Hell are you?
DEADLY
Well, I’m not a lady in a cake.
Deadly
spins in a black whirling blur like a tornado,
blinding the police officer from seeing the highway.
A
moment later, the demon stops spinning, puts one
hand on
the steering wheel, turns it hard to the left, and
the van
enters the three lanes of oncoming traffic, narrowly
missing many cars and trucks. Deadly drives the
van off
the highway, mows down a patch of bushes, and vanishes
seconds before the van hits a tree. The police officer
stumbles out of the van, walks fifty feet, and falls
flat
on his face. The van explodes in flames. Deadly
materializes in the back seat of the robber’s
van.
DEADLY
The problem with the police is
solved, boys. No more piggies to
pursue you.
JIM
Whoah, thanks. You saved our
hides there.
MR. FILTHY
What do we do now?
DEADLY
We go to the Gwimmick Forest.
MR. FILTHY
Why there?
DEADLY
There's an old house across the
road from an ostrich farm. We’ll
make it our headquarters.
JIM
Yeah, I remember that place. I
went trick or treating there
when I was a kid. Some weird
dude sold us candy that made us
feel good.
DEADLY
That man is exactly who we must
meet with.
CONTINUED....
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